2007 March | FITSNews For Now

Jimmy, Don’t Be A Hero March 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics , 2 comments

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH SOLDIER LEGISLATOR RETURNING TO VOTE AGAINST SCHOOL KIDS?

FITSNews - March 31, 2007 - Our friend Rep. James Smith is about to head overseas to protect our freedoms. One of which is free speech. Which, as it turns out we’re going to avail ourselves of now as it relates to … well, James Smith. So yeah, there’s more than a little irony going on in this post.

Let’s make a couple things clear up front: James is a friend of ours, we’ve been keeping him and his family in our prayers ever since he left earlier this month, and there’s not a soul who can claim that his willingness to put his life on the line over in Afghanistan is anything other than unflinchingly heroic. Unfortunately, none of those things make Smith’s decision last week to interrupt his military training at Fort Riley, Kansas so he could vote against a key school choice amendment any less regrettable.

We don’t care who paid for Smith’s trip, or whether protocol was broken or exceptions made to permit him to return to Columbia and vote (something he can already do remotely, incidentally). All of that’s just scenery distracting our attention from the real question: Why is someone who is so selflessly giving of himself to protect freedom half way around the world so incapable of seeing how his vote helped deny it to thousands of school kids living here in South Carolina? (more…)

Bust A Rove March 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in : US Politics , 2 comments

SHRUB’S SCANDAL-RIDDEN BRAIN LIKES TO “MOVE IT, MOVE IT”

FITSNews - March 30, 2007 - Most of the time when we write stuff like this it’s a joke. And there’s a “satire” tag at the end of each article. After all, if we didn’t make it clear we were kidding, there’s an off chance some of you might believe us. Like the lady from Anderson, S.C. who asked us last month if Justin Timberlake was really endorsing Mitt Romney. Well, duh … yes.

Anyway, we wish this was one of those times. But no, senior presidential advisor Karl Rove actually did get up and bust a move at last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, moving his body to the beat of a “rap” song written about him. From this morning’s Guardian article:

First came the arms, swinging independently of his body like the limbs of a toy soldier. Then his torso started to sway from side to side. Thirty seconds in it started to get serious as he appeared to be trying to imitate a duck, and before the minute was out he was raising his knees and jumping up and down as though no-one bothered to tell him that pogoing went out of fashion 20 years ago.

(more…)

Thanks For Nothing, S.C. House of Representatives March 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics , 18 comments

S.C. LEGISLATORS STICK IT TO KIDS IN FAILING, BELOW AVERAGE SCHOOLS … ONCE AGAIN

FITSNews - March 29, 2007 - If your kid is stuck in a failing or below average public school in South Carolina, the S.C. House of Representatives - led by Republican Speaker Bobby Harrell - sent you a clear message today: “WE DON’T CARE.”

By a 70-49 vote, the Harrell-controlled House rejected a hard-fought school choice compromise that would have dramatically expanded parental options in South Carolina, especially for the 200,000 children who are currently trapped in one of the Palmetto State’s nearly 400 failing schools.

You’d think with the nation’s lowest SAT scores and worst graduation rate, there would be some sense of urgency among our elected officals to do something. But for the third year in a row, apparently not.

Romney: Sanford Solid Veep Prospect

Posted by fitsnews in : Presidential Politics , 6 comments

JIM DeMINT, SIC WILLIE’S LEFT TESTACLE ALSO ON SHORT LIST

FITSNews - March 29, 2007 - Flip-flopper extraordinaire Mitt Romney apparently thinks S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford and Senator Jim DeMint would make good vice presidents. At least that’s what he told 400 really, really old people down at Sun City, S.C. From La Socialista’s web update:

After saying he didn’t want to name names, Romney named Gov. Mark Sanford and U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint among others.

Unbelievable … this guy even flip-flops about whether or not to name names. First he wasn’t going to name names. Then he turns right around and named names. Oh well, you gotta admire his consistency on being inconsistent. Anyway, while Romney didn’t specifically name this name, he’s obviously also considering Sic Willie’s left testacle for the position. Because let’s be honest, one of Sic Willie’s balls has as much chance of becoming vice president as either one of these lightweights.

Rodents Rise Up

Posted by fitsnews in : Satire , 4 comments

SOUTH CAROLINA BEAVER POPULATION READIES FOR WAR

FITSNews - March 29, 2007 - Irrespective of the unforunately-titled headline in this morning’s La Socialista (”Bull’s-eye on Beavers“), it’s about to be game on in South Carolina between a hired team of federal assassins and a bunch of cute and cuddly beavers. According to reporter Gina Smith:

The city of Columbia — weary of beavers building dams and swamping nearby sewer lines and manholes — has hired a federal agency to kill the animals. City Council recently approved a $50,000 contract with The U.S. Department of Agriculture. Wildlife specialists will work for a year, killing beavers, breaking down dams and getting creeks and streams flowing again.

Back at the Beaver Dam, the rodents aren’t taking the City’s threat lightly, especially after graphic descriptions of the Beaver’s impending demise were featured prominently in this morning’s La Socialista article. (more…)

Lesbian Letdown

Posted by fitsnews in : Pop Culture , 2 comments

RACHEL-MONICA MAKEOUT SESSION PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTS

FITSNews - March 29, 2007 - We had high hopes when we first learned that Rachel and Monica were going to make out on television. We even corrected Rachel when she tried to downplay it by saying it wasn’t a big deal.

Turns out she hit the nail on the head.

That’s because this video is perhaps the least arousing girl-girl liplock ever captured on film. Quoting Tyler’s reaction, “you could show me a video of two St. Bernards licking each other and I’d get more turned on.” (more…)