Mississippi’s Mad August 27, 2008
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REBEL ARMIES SET TO INVADE SOUTH CAROLINA
FITSNews - August 27, 2008 - Since we had no idea anybody in Mississippi could read - let alone operate a computer - we figured it was okay to make a little joke yesterday about their third-world status.
Sure, we could’ve been a little more sensitive in choosing our humor (we basically implied that they weren’t a state and that we hoped they got hit by Hurricane Gustav), but let’s face it people … when you’re as cataclysmically-stupid as we are here in South Carolina, if you can’t make fun of Mississippi, who the hell can you make fun of?
Anyway, it turns out our little quip ended up on several Mississippi media chatrooms (again, we didn’t even know they had electricity ), spawning a veritable torrent of outrage. From one Missippite:
You are a true horse’s ass with no regard for your fellow human beings. You have no idea what the people of the Gulf Coast or New Orleans did to prepare for Hurricane Katrina or anything else about either state.
And from another:
You are one sorry SOB for even thinking such a thing, much like putting it in print. Obviously, you have never been to the Great State of Mississippi and you live in ignorance. Bite me!
Jeez, Mississippians, why so angry? It’s not our fault they outlawed lynching in your state (when was that, last week?) and y’all have nothing better to do than sit around in your Klan robes defending the honor of a state so pathetic that even South Carolina can get away with ripping on it.
Seriously, even our football teams are better than yours. And our football teams suck. So … if all y’all would kindly just “jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton,” we’ve got other states to pick on … like Georgia.
UPDATE - BTW, Trent Lott sucks.
We Missed One … August 26, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, The Press , 13 comments
… OUR APOLOGIES TO MISS GALLAGHER
FITSNews - August 26, 2008 - For those of you who missed our list of the Palmetto State’s hottest TV reporters earlier today, it turns out we missed one. Actually, that’s a bit of an understatement. What we did was the equivalent of ranking the world’s top five composers and forgetting to put Beethoven on the list.
Anyway, here’s Dianne Gallagher, a general assignment reporter at CN2 in Rock Hill, S.C. From her bio, we learn …
This is (Dianne’s) first reporting job, after internships with Fox Charlotte and WFJA radio in Sanford, NC.
Dianne grew up all over the world as a military brat. She attended The University of Tennessee and the University of North Carolina at Charlotte and graduated with honors with an English and Journalism degree.
She enjoys watching, playing and talking about sports with just about anybody. Dianne recently moved to Rock Hill with her little Pomeranian, Cooper.
You know except for the whole “Pomeranian” thing, this may be the most perfect woman ever created. No kidding, Sic’s struggling for air at the moment (editor’s note: perhaps because Mrs. Sic just kicked him in the gonads ).
Anyway, a well-deserved hat-tip to our bud Peter for alerting us to the existence of the lovely Miss Gallagher, and to the fact there’s a TV station in Rock Hill. Seriously, who knew?
Ranking The TV Babes
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, The Press , 6 comments
SIC WILLIE DISHES ON HIS FAVORITE LOCAL TALENT
FITSNews - August 26, 2008 - Since he’s an expert on the subject given his infamous romps with female TV reporters while serving as Gov. Mark Sanford’s spokesman (editor’s note: the real secret behind the governor’s approval ratings ), our founding editor Sic Willie is frequently asked who the hottest TV reporters in the Palmetto State are.
Well, while everybody’s waiting on the second installment of our Palmetto Power 100 list, we figured we’d run down the five hottest TV babes in South Carolina for you (be sure to click the links for your daily dose of visual relief …)
1. Sarah DeMarco - WCIV Charleston
What Sarah is still doing at Channel 4 in Charleston (a.k.a. Live, Local and Late) we have no earthly. As in idea. She’s a solid investigative journalist who is hands-down the hottest television personality in South Carolina. Speaking of which, we also have no earthly why Sic never busted out his surprisingly successful “hey, you wanna see the governor’s bathroom?” line on DiMarco, or perhaps he did and was just too hammered to remember doing it.
Sic met Nat over an oil change once (true story) and the two couldn’t keep their hands off each other (alright, alright … not a true story). Anyway, the WLTX morning anchor is the cream of what is always the best-looking TV staff in the state. She’s also got one of the most engaging on-air personalities and isn’t afraid to show a little cleavage in her bio picture, which is something our founding editor naturally encourages …
God Bless the Lowcountry. Land that Sic loves. Stand beside her … and guide her … with your hand to the place where you … geez this is getting perverted fast. Anyway, Lutz is obviously drop-dead (as in gorgeous), and unlike some WCSC reporters, she doesn’t ask leading questions on port-related issues which were spoon-fed to her by a pretty-boy political boyfriend … definitely a plus in our book.
4. Beth Brotherton - WYFF Greenville
Sic has had a crush on Beth for like eight years now. Seriously … eight years. As the top anchor/ reporter at Channel 4, Beth continues to rule the Upstate airwaves at the biggest TV station in all of South Carolina. She’s smart, substantive, fair and (train smoke) hot, with an accent that makes us want to sit around and listen to her tell us stories from her childhood in Africa … before ravaging her like hungry lions, of course.
5. Alicia Roman - WIS Columbia
Who knew we had a Weather Channel-quality anchor right here in South Carolina? Roman is a natural on the air, precisely the sort of talent that will be taking her game to the next level in short order. Wait, did we just use like three sports clichés in a row to describe a weather gal? Oh well … Roman is also Mrs. Sic Willie’s favorite local on-air personality, although our founding editor has yet to broach the prospect of any girl-girl action …
We’ll be bringing you the rest of the Palmetto Power 100 soon, but it the meantime we hope you enjoyed this mini-list of attractive people (for a change). Oh, and if you’ve got any suggestions for TV hotties we may have missed, be sure and include links to their bio pages in the comments section below ...
The Angry Loon Is Back August 22, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, SC Politics , add a comment
… AND MADDER THAN EVER
FITSNews - August 22, 2008 - We ordinarily make it a rule not to hand out free press to unruly loons, but in the case of our newest online anti-admirer, we are compelled to make a final solution … err, exception.
Wait … why the inappropriate Holocaust joke?
Well, after thoroughly “out-Goebbelsing” this latest status quo apologist a week ago, a deafening totalitarian silence was finally broken yesterday with some fresh venom directed at our own Sic Willie. While predictably ignoring all of the issues we raised, a clever implication was made that our founding editor has, um, how do we put this … a tiny penis. It would also appear that our website’s growing popularity and “slickness with the diction” has struck a bit of a nerve …
Anyway, from our new hater:
The only reason Folks’ blog is ranked so high is because 1) he’s been blogging since he got canned for pleading guilty to criminal domestic violence and 2) he’s still got enough frenemies in this festering industry called politics that feed him information …
So, yeah, Will, you’ve got a lot of hits. A monkey could get a lot of hits if it blogged consistently, on the same topic, for three years. That’s how blog readership works. A monkey would probably not throw as much of its own shit and wank off in public a little less, but you can’t have everything.
First of all, don’t knock wanking off in public or tossing your own feces ’till you’ve tried it. Both are actually quite liberating. Second, the last thing this world needs is someone leveling the “small penis” accusation at someone as demonstrably crazy as Sic. He’s liable to not only post a picture of it, but provide a list of all those who can vouch for its imposing dimensions.
Javelin Injustice August 21, 2008
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LERYN FRANCO’S FAILURE IS FORTUITOUS
FITSNews - August 21, 2008 - It’s a crying shame that we’re not in charge of the Olympics because there’s no way Paraguayan javelin tosser Leryn Franco would have finished 51st of out 52 contestants. Seriously, we would have invented a new category, something taking into account the fact that she’s absolutely the hottest babe we’ve seen gripping a phallic-themed instrument of athletic competition since Allison Stokke touched our poles … err, hearts.
Anyway, from TheImproper.com:
Franco, 26, a part-time model and bikini contestant, wowed audiences around the world with her exotic good looks despite her disappointing performance in the javelin throw. On August 19, Leryn finished with an underwhelming throw that was 12 meters short of her personal best of 55.38 meters. Previously, the Paraguayan javelin stunner competed at the 2004 Athens Olympics, where she placed 42nd overall.
But don’t expect Leryn to fade into the background now that her Olympic medal dreams are over. Leryn’s sexy nude photos in her 2007 calendar will likely propel her to a more successful modeling career in the coming months. The attention she has garnered from the Olympics has definitely boosted her global visibility, especially to lovestruck male fans.
Uh, yeah. And even though Sic Willie has already awarded a few gold medals in his pants this Olympics, it appears there is a rising movement to see the lovely Leryn similarly honored.
Quite non-incidentally, you can check out a few of Franco’s photos by clicking here. We’re assuming they are all SFW, but go on and live a little …
It Was All A Hoax …
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GEORGIANS ARE REDNECK LIARS
FITSNews - August 21, 2008 - In what we’re sure will be the least surprising story we’ve ever written, those two Georgia rednecks who claimed to have found Bigfoot turned out to be 100% full of shit. Not only that, they’re now being sued by the Bigfoot-hunting morons who took them seriously … and paid them $50,000.
From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
They claim their hoax was not for profit, but Atlanta residents Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer received $50,000 from a California Bigfoot tracker who now plans to sue to get the money back.
The two Georgia men’s tale of having found a Bigfoot carcass in the North Georgia woods really started to stink when California Bigfoot enthusiasts finally examined the body and found it was just a costume.
“There will be legal action” said Catherine Ortez, who works for Searching for Bigfoot, Inc. in in Menlo Park, Calif. The organization paid for rights to the men’s story and their find. “If this was a joke, it was very methodical and thought-out,” she said.
The moral of this story is that you should never believe anything anybody from Georgia tells you. Like last year, when they said their football team was going to open a can of whoop-ass on South Carolina in Athens.
Yeah … that turned out to be 100% full of shit as well.
Smatterings August 20, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, SC Politics, US Politics , add a commentRANDOM “NEW PORNOGRAPHY”
FITSNews - August 20, 2008 - It’s probably not natural to obsess over New Pornographers’ frontwoman Neko Case the way we do, but we’re sure government will pass a law at some point affording her the protection she deserves from our founding editor’s overactive imagination. In the meantime, we’re pleased to have her provide the accompaniment for today’s assorted random smatterings …
SCOOP STRETCH? - Our bud McLovin’ over at Palmetto Scoop claims that Barack Obama has already chosen Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine as his running mate … or at least somebody “in the Beltway” told him that. WTF? Until we get our text message from the Obamessiah himself, we’ll hold off on declaring this a done deal …
SPEAKING OF ELECTIONEERING - The Washington Post has a fun new web page that lets you project the outcome of the 2008 presidential election, one state at a time. Alright, it’s really not all that fun … certainly not as fun as presidential kung-fu …
SPEAKING OF FIGHTING - For those of you itching to see somebody get knocked out today, enjoy this clip.
MORE SCHOOL SUCKINESS - Our friends at The Voice have two solid posts up detailing how South Carolina is screwing over its special needs kids and graduating even fewer people than we thought we were … which we thought was damn near impossible.
MANDE’S STALKER UPDATE - Our non-friends over at Not Very Bright have taken a break from obsessing over our girl Mande’s every word to post this delightful picture of the S.C. Legislature’s vision for our state.
POLLY = REAL - We’ve gotten quite a bit of mail recently related to our newest contributor, Polly, who came back from the Beijing Olympics with gold medals in beauty, brains and bad-assness. To answer all the inquiries, yes, she’s real … and she’s fabulous!
