“Awww #$%*” June 12, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Satire, Sports , 3 comments
FARTKNOCKERS’ SLUGGER HEADED TO DISABLED LIST
FITSNews - June 12, 2008 - Along with the hot-hitting Chase Utley tearing it up at second base, St. Louis first baseman Albert Pujols has been the glue holding together Sic Willie’s slumping FITS Fartknockers fantasy baseball franchise.
With a .347 average, sixteen dingers and 42 runs batted in, Pujols’ stellar play has helped offset the tribal funk that has the Fartknockers currently languishing in fourth-place in the Great Santini League standings.
Pujols is now headed to the DL for three weeks, though, and our founding editor is understandably less than pleased with his prospects of remaining competitive, as evidenced by his “awww #$%*” quote that woke us up loudly this morning (and which also serves as the headline for this story).
Fortunately, Pujols appears to have avoided a much more serious calf injury that could have knocked him out for months, not weeks, something we’re sure ESPN’s Erin Andrews will discuss with Sic once the two of them are decent again … err … available. Damn you, paparazzi! Couldn’t you have permitted Sic’s final bachelor fling a little more privacy?
By Popular Demand June 4, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics, Satire , 1 comment so farTAKE A LOOK AT CATHERINE CEIPS’ NEW CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL
FITSNews - June 4, 2008 - Obviously, this isn’t State Sen. Catherine Ceips‘ new television commercial (she’s got the Senate Republican Caucus paying for plenty of those), but in light of the fact that she’s using dead people to endorse her State Senate candidacy, we couldn’t resist …
“Bring out your dead,” people. “Bring out your dead.”
Another Illegal Alien? March 26, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, SC Politics, Satire , 5 comments
NOW WE’VE GOT A SCANDAL PEOPLE!
FITSNews - March 26, 2008 - We knew that our founding editor Sic Willie used to work with South Carolina’s resident dirty prankster, Rod Shealy, but we had no idea that the two of them were working together on State Senator Catherine Ceips‘ campaign, which kicked off its reelection bid in Beaufort, S.C. over the weekend by planting an illegal immigrant at the home of former Sanford Chief of Staff Tom Davis.
Now, according to a photo obtained exclusively by FITSNews, we may have yet another Rod Shealy “dirty trick” on our hands. In fact, the individual in the Andre Is My Co-Pilot T-shirt (pictured above) was spotted painting Davis’ home earlier today by Ceips’ Chief of Staff Randy Bates - who once again just happened to be in the neighborhood carrying a camera and accompanied by a translator.
After inviting Bates into Davis’ house, this immigrant posed for pictures, identified himself as “Señor Sic Willie” and admitted that he was in the country illegally.
“Green Card? I don’t need no stinking Greed Card!” the immigrant alleged to be Señor Sic Willie told Ceips’ Chief of Staff. “Are you threatening me? I am the Great Bungholio! I need TP! TP for my bunghole!”
Shoop-Ba-Doop March 8, 2008
Posted by fitsnews in : SC Politics, Satire , 1 comment so farSALT-N-PEPA DOES IT AGAIN, ENDORSES SHOOPMAN FOR SENATE
FITSNews - March 8, 2008 - Saying he was “packed and stacked, especially in the back,” Salt-N-Pepa officially endorsed the State Senate bid of S.C. Rep. Phillip Shoopman today, adding that the second-term Upstate fiscal conservative should “prolly thank (his) mother for a butt like that.”
From the press release:
Shoop shoop a-doobie like scoobie doobie doo
I love you in your big jeans, you give me nice dreams
You make me wanna scream, oooo, oooo, oooo!
I like what ya do when you do what ya do
You make me wanna shoop
Salt-N-Pepa also endorsed Shoopman in his 2006 race for the State House, which is the only other time the duo has gotten involved in South Carolina politics. In accepting the rare nod from Cheryl James (a.k.a. Salt) and Sandy Denton (a.k.a. Pepa), Shoopman told FITSNews, “S and the p wanna kick with me, cool.”
This Sure Looks Official … December 17, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Satire , add a comment
IS SIC WILLIE RUNNING THE STATE’S MOST INFLUENTIAL CONSERVATIVE THINK TANK?
FITSNews - December 17, 2007 - We’re scanning the press release in disbelief, but it sure looks official. Well, “officially fake” anyway, because there’s no way in hell the most respected, influential think tank in South Carolina just named this baboon as its president …
Of course reports are that Sic Willie’s Mohawk has been shaved off, so you never know …
Sic’s Got Kristin Davis Abs December 14, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Pop Culture, Satire , add a comment
AND BETTE DAVIS EYES, TOO
FITSNews - December 14, 2007 - Other than mind-numbing crap about the 2008 presidential elections, the most common questions Sic Willie gets these days revolve around how he can wolf down 20 chicken wings and two large six-topping pizzas a day and still maintain abs that could stop a freight train. Seriously, people, you could iron your blouses on that washboard.
Anyway, as near as we can tell Sic’s secret is lots and lots of kinky sex with fellow South Carolinian (and Sex And The Old People star) Kristin Davis, because how else could she possibly have abs (above) that rival his in terms of their sheer emotive appeal?
Davis is frankly the only Sex girl that still floats our boat, except maybe for that gay guy Stanford Blatch, who is just so awesome on so many levels (each of them cuddly and adorable, people). The other chicks do absolutely nothing for us. In fact, they remind us of retired Navy battleships. Or any one of the dust-covered doilies currently residing in our crawlspace. So needless to say, the fact that one Sex and the City movie we weren’t going to go see has apparently morphed into three Sex and the City movies that we’re not going go to see (yes, it’s true) has forced us to find something capable of salvaging the dignity of this once-proud franchise.
And so we present you with Kristin Davis’ abs … and her secret lover Sic Willie, the secret to their age-defying success.
K-Fed’s New Lawyers? December 8, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in : Good Stuff, Satire , 4 comments
NORTH CHUCK’S ON THA SCENE JUST IN CASE YA DIDN’T KNOW IT
FITSNews - December 8, 2007 - The FITS gals and Sic Willie were skraight up “rollin’ … in our 5.0” (with the rag-top down so our hair could blow) this morning when we happened upon “Internet gold,” a.k.a. North Charleston’s own Wigger Law Firm.
Yes, that’s the firm’s name. And no, neither that picture above nor the one of Sic laughing his ass off (below) have been Photoshopped in any way.
Seriously, we’re sure these guys are great lawyers and everything, but if this story doesn’t get picked up by popsites like Tyler Durden and The Superficial (with the obligatory Kevin Federline references), we’re gonna be majorly disappointed. Cause it’s dope, to tha lyrical poets, (and) North Chuck’s on da scene just in case ya didn’t know it … plus we almost got killed swerving across eight lanes of traffic in order to bring you these iconic images.
Incidentally, this is probably as good a time as any to break the news that South Carolina’s own gubernatorial spokesman Joel Sawyer actually performed “Ice Ice Baby” as the opening karaoke number at his own wedding reception a couple years back. True story, people. True story. Now stop … collaborate and listen. FITS’ is back wit a brand new invention. If there’s a problem - yo we’ll solve it … now check out the hook while our DJ revolves it.
Boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom-boom - boom-boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom boom.
