OVER-THE-TOP REPUBLICAN ADS CAN BE AMUSING, EFFECTIVE

FITSNews - August 26, 2008 - We’ve never heard of Jeff Merkley (apparently he’s running for U.S. Senate in Oregon), but it takes a special kind of idiot to let the idiots running Republican campaigns in this country make you look like … well, an idiot.

But that’s what Merkley manages to do in this clip … although in fairness to him we made the same foreign policy error ourselves a few weeks back.

Anyway, in predictable hackneyed fashion, the cookie cutter GOP admongers did their level best to dilute the ad’s effectiveness with a lame script and cheesy female voice over, but when you’ve got raw footage like this, it’s really hard to produce a completely ineffective spot.

Of course the good news for Merkley is that Oregonites can certainly appreciate moments of forgetfulness … or for that matter, having a mean case of the munchies.

WHINERS AND LOSERS FROM SCGOP’S WEEKEND CONFERENCE IN CHARLESTON

FITSNews - August 27, 2008 - Members of South Carolina’s House Republican Caucus got together for their annual conference last weekend in Charleston, and not surprisingly the event was marked by a level of maturity you’d expect to see from a bunch of toddlers who just had their bottles snatched away from them.

The whine-fest was apparently kicked off by Spartanburg Rep. Lanny Littlejohn, who blasted several of his colleagues for opposing the State Senate bid of soon-to-be-former Rep. Scott Talley, who lost his race despite a mountain of TV lawyer money and the unflinching support of the state’s Democratic establishment.

Anyway, Littlejohn specifically chastised fellow Reps. Eric Bedingfield and Kris Crawford, going so far as to request that they be “censured” by the Caucus for their support of Talley’s opponent, Lee Bright. To their credit, both Bedingfield and Krawford are said to have politely told Littlejohn to go and eff himself.

The much bigger story, however, relates to House Speakr (and would-be “skull cracker”) Bobby Harrell, who is said to have pitched a coniption fit over a bill that would require lawmakers to vote on the record when they’re blowing through your tax dollars like there’s no tomorrow …

Ironically, Harrell isn’t upset about the bill so much as he’s pissed that State Sen. Glenn McConnell didn’t invite him to be its co-sponsor.

Harrell is McConnell’s Representative in the House, and apparently the fact that the Senate President went decided to work with the bill’s original sponsor, Rep. Nikki Haley, rubbed the Speaker the wrong way.

Of course that leads into the biggest story from the Caucus weekend, namely the Speaker’s overt threat to remove Haley from her post on the powerful House Labor, Commerce and Industry committee because she’s grown too powerful, and because she likely has the votes to become its next Chairman.

Such a move would not only deprive this influential committee of its top pro-business, female conservative, but would also be unprecedented in Harrell’s reign as Speaker.

In fact, the last time a Representative was removed from a committee against their will was in 2004, when then-Speaker David Wilkins took Democratic Rep. Jerry Govan off of the House Judiciary Committee after he physically assaulted the committee chairman.

So … will Harrell do it? He’s certainly pissed off enough to follow through on his threat, but it remains to be seen whether or not he’ll take such a drastic step, particularly given Haley’s exposure and the fact that the House GOP Caucus ticked a little bit more to the right during the last primary cycle.

Harrell’s other power-play at the Caucus retreat appears to have centered around the election of judges - and more specifically his ongoing efforts to get his brother’s law partner named to the circuit court.

Several Representatives we spoke with said Harrell is hoping to wield exclusive control over the state’s judicial merit selection committee, which decides what judges lawmakers get to vote on for the Supreme Court and other judgeships.

Frankly, we think the legislature shouldn’t have anything to do with electing judges, particularly when so many of them are profiting off of the decisions they make.

WELL, IF YOU’RE A DOG

By Mande Wilkes

FITSNews - August 27, 2008 - Is it just us, or does everyone shudder a bit upon seeing our state’s initials in national headlines? For example, the latest PR boost for South Carolina is delivered in the form of this FOX News screamer:

“South Carolina Towns Begin Using Oxygen Masks on Pets Caught in Fires”

We’d think this goes without saying, but apparently it bears reiteration: This state cannot afford oxygen masks for dogs. It’s a nice sentiment, it if were fiscally plausible, but it’s just not.

People are suffering, people. Not that we can - or should - use tax dollars for medical entitlement programs, but if the money is going to be spent anyway, it sure as hell better benefit sick humans instead of sick animals. Seriously, it’s stuff like this that makes opposition to things like Ryan’s Law seem insane - opposition which is otherwise well-founded, but simply can’t withstand the kind of counterintuitive contradiction that defines SC’s spending habits.

And by the way, since we’re talking about human lives, it’s useful to remember that nine SC firefighters died last year, possibly due in part to budgetary shortcomings. Perhaps more prudent spending would have saved those men’s lives.

We hope we see the day when South Carolina can afford oxygen masks for pets, but today’s not that day … unless of course we’re willing to cut corners for humans.

AFTER “UNITY TAKE TWO,” WILL HILLARY VOTERS BACK BARACK?

FITSNews - August 27, 2008 - Exactly two months ago, Hillary Clinton stood with Barack Obama in a little town called “Unity” New Hampshire to officially bury the hatchet between the two dueling Democratic politicians.

Long story short … it didn’t work. Which is why Obama’s senior adviser Valerie Jarrett looked positively petrified last night as she attempted to put a good (if not excessively made-up) face on the contentious relationship between the victor and vanquished. In gushing over how Hillary and Michelle Obama have become BFF’s, the fear in Jarrett’s eyes was unmistakable, and in reminding Democrats that Hillary has spoken “from her heart” in support of Obama, it was all too clear that Jarrett wasn’t speaking from hers.

Anyway, Hillary was back for another bite at the unity apple last night at the Democratic National Convention, giving a “pro-bama” speech that hit all the talking points but once again fell flat in the authenticity department. The liberal press is predictably praising the speech as “robust” and “decisive,” but we watched it and quite frankly thought it sounded even more canned and contrived than a typical convention speech, which saying something.

Seriously, how long is it going to take for Democrats to realize that the Clintons have absolutely no interest in seeing Obama win? Particularly Bill Clinton? They are already looking ahead to 2012, and an Obama victory clearly isn’t part of the game plan.

BOB BARR’S TAKING ADVICE FROM BEYONCE?

By Mande Wilkes

FITSNews - August 27, 2008 - Kind of like our “nontroversy of the week” stories, we’re delivering this bit of news with the antipathy it deserves.

It seems that Libertarian Party presidential candidate Bob Barr has scheduled a September 30 visit to Charleston. In case you care, he’ll be addressing the Rotary Club. Like we said, we don’t really care … so since we’re already posting this anyway, we’ll use this opportunity to expound on why it is that we’re so disinterested.

Since Barr’s nomination, we’ve made it clear that we think he’s a curious choice for a Libertarian presidential candidate. But having had some time to mull it over, it doesn’t seem so curious after all. Our initial confusion stemmed from the fact that we didn’t understand the apparent significance of capitalization.

You see, it’s all about whether the first letter in “libertarian” is capitalized. If so, we’re referring to the Libertarian Party; if not, we’re talking about libertarianism as a political identity. Because, make no mistake, there is absolutely no relationship between the Libertarian Party and the libertarian philosophy. Color us shocked. Or not: The Democratic Party also has absolutely nothing to do with democracy, nor does the Republican Party care about the republic. Like we said, it’s all in the capitalization.

Anyway, Bob Barr simply sucks as a “libertarian” candidate … but he rocks as a “Libertarian” one. Take, for example, his appearance last night on The Colbert Report.

When asked whether his party had any interest in environmental issues, he declared that “global warming is a fact.” Umm … okay.

Barr didn’t elaborate as to whether or not he believes that it’s man-made. That’s kind of a convenient aspect to leave unaddressed, the benefit of which is the appearance of equivocation. Stating that climate change is “a fact” wins Barr some wiggle room with left-leaning voters unsatisfied with Barack Obama. Like crackerjack liberal writer Alexander Cockburn.

Incidentally, it seems like Barr’s Colbert cameo - and his campaign M.O. - was designed specifically to appeal to leftists.

After Barr declared with gusto the unqualified existence of global warming, Colbert pointed out that this marked a sharp change in position. Barr explained the “flip-flop” by name-dropping Al Gore, a gesture that can only be understood as a blatant hat-tip to liberals.

Apparently Barr has decided that the other side’s grass is greener … so to speak. The thing is, he might be right - at least inasmuch as disgruntled Hillacrats will defect to the libertarian candidate.

Oops…the “Libertarian” candidate.

NO VIRGINIA TECH, PLUS FLORIDA STATE AND BOSTON COLLEGE ARE TRENDING DOWN

FITSNews - August 27, 2008 - Other than its season-opener against Alabama, there’s absolutely no reason why Clempsun University shouldn’t win every single one of its football games this year. Seriously, the Tigers’ 2008 schedule is a joke, with the only two tough conference opponents they face (BC and Florida State) both on the “downtrend” this season.

Of course, we have no doubt Clempsun will find somebody to choke against, it’s just a question of who?

Hell, maybe this is the year that Tommy Bowden actually throws a game to his pappy, instead of the other way around.

Meanwhile, South Carolina’s schedule includes four dates against Top Ten teams (#1 Georgia, #5 Florida, #7 LSU and #9 Clempsun). The Gamecocks also face eighteenth-ranked Tennessee, as well as a rejuvenated Vanderbilt squad and always-tough Arkansas.

FITSNews - August 27, 2008 - God bless Playmate Shauna Sand (decade-old NSFW here) for hitting the beach with everything a good mother needs …

Fake tits? Check. Fake lips? Check. Belly ring? Check. Ankle tat? Check. Stripper heels? Check and check, baby. And the Louis Vuitton, too. It’s almost like we’re reading straight from Emily Post’s book of etiquette.

Anyway, we found Shauna’s pic on this History of Playmates page, which includes pics from every Playmate dating all the way back to Marilyn Monroe in 1953. Quite obviously, we will be getting absolutely nothing done for the duration of the day/ week. And maybe month/ year.

FITSNews - August 27, 2008 - A week after the liberal, TV lawyer-led “S.C. Small Business Chamber of Commerce” told us that all Palmetto State small businesses needed to succeed was a “new government agency to lead them,” somebody who actually represents small businesses has written an op-ed laying out what they really want.

Ready for a shock? It’s not a new government agency, but rather tax cuts, workers’ comp reform and fewer government regulations.

“Small business owners don’t want government handouts or another government agency to ‘lead’ them,” writes local NFIB director Wendy Homeyer. “They simply ask that government not stand in the way.” You can read the full article here, but needless to say it’s a solid response to those commie thugs over at the “TV Lawyer Chamber.”

BAD QUOTE ALERT - Luke Byars, spokesman for U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint, fired off the following national party talking points … err, response yesterday after House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn hinted that Democrats may be targeting his boss for defeat two years from now … “Maybe Jim Clyburn should spend more time convincing Speaker Pelosi to let the ban on offshore drilling expire instead of continuing to play their tired old political wishing games.”

Aside from Byars’ incomprehensible insider blah-blah, what the hell is a “political wishing game?” That actually sounds kinda kinky to us. Anyway, for all you aspiring PR pros out there, what Byars should’ve said was “we look forward to any challenge that will showcase Senator DeMint’s stellar record on behalf of South Carolina taxpayers.” Even better would have been to tell Clyburn to “go jump off one of the multi-million dollar monuments he’s built to himself using our tax dollars.”

FAMOUSLY OWNED - The Palmetto Scoop did a masterful job yesterday of exposing the outright fraud of one local ad agency - and the outright stupidity of the City of Columbia, S.C., which paid $75,000 for a new slogan only to end up with a furniture store rip-off. Seriously, paying $75,000 to a bunch of famously flaming creative types to dub our city as “Famously Hot” was already a colossal waste of money, but the least Columbia could have insisted on was a shitty slogan nobody had ever used before.

MORE ON THE SAT - Not surprisingly, the Voice has a solid post up today about South Carolina’s declining public school SAT scores, which were released yesterday to a chorus of praise from the state Ministry of Failure and Non-Competition. Also not surprisingly, the mainstream media in this state is as intentionally clueless as ever, failing to point out that our state’s two-point “jump” on the college entrance exam was due entirely to increases at private schools. Look for more on this from us in the coming days …

REBEL ARMIES SET TO INVADE SOUTH CAROLINA

FITSNews - August 27, 2008 - Since we had no idea anybody in Mississippi could read - let alone operate a computer - we figured it was okay to make a little joke yesterday about their third-world status.

Sure, we could’ve been a little more sensitive in choosing our humor (we basically implied that they weren’t a state and that we hoped they got hit by Hurricane Gustav), but let’s face it people … when you’re as cataclysmically-stupid as we are here in South Carolina, if you can’t make fun of Mississippi, who the hell can you make fun of?

Anyway, it turns out our little quip ended up on several Mississippi media chatrooms (again, we didn’t even know they had electricity ), spawning a veritable torrent of outrage. From one Missippite:

You are a true horse’s ass with no regard for your fellow human beings. You have no idea what the people of the Gulf Coast or New Orleans did to prepare for Hurricane Katrina or anything else about either state.

And from another:

You are one sorry SOB for even thinking such a thing, much like putting it in print. Obviously, you have never been to the Great State of Mississippi and you live in ignorance. Bite me!

Jeez, Mississippians, why so angry? It’s not our fault they outlawed lynching in your state (when was that, last week?) and y’all have nothing better to do than sit around in your Klan robes defending the honor of a state so pathetic that even South Carolina can get away with ripping on it.

Seriously, even our football teams are better than yours. And our football teams suck. So … if all y’all would kindly just “jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton,” we’ve got other states to pick on … like Georgia.

UPDATE - BTW, Trent Lott sucks.

… OUR APOLOGIES TO MISS GALLAGHER

FITSNews - August 26, 2008 - For those of you who missed our list of the Palmetto State’s hottest TV reporters earlier today, it turns out we missed one. Actually, that’s a bit of an understatement. What we did was the equivalent of ranking the world’s top five composers and forgetting to put Beethoven on the list.

Anyway, here’s Dianne Gallagher, a general assignment reporter at CN2 in Rock Hill, S.C. From her bio, we learn …

This is (Dianne’s) first reporting job, after internships with Fox Charlotte and WFJA radio in Sanford, NC.

Dianne grew up all over the world as a military brat. She attended The University of Tennessee and the University of North Carolina at Charlotte and graduated with honors with an English and Journalism degree.

She enjoys watching, playing and talking about sports with just about anybody. Dianne recently moved to Rock Hill with her little Pomeranian, Cooper.

You know except for the whole “Pomeranian” thing, this may be the most perfect woman ever created.  No kidding, Sic’s struggling for air at the moment (editor’s note: perhaps because Mrs. Sic just kicked him in the gonads ).

Anyway, a well-deserved hat-tip to our bud Peter for alerting us to the existence of the lovely Miss Gallagher, and to the fact there’s a TV station in Rock Hill.  Seriously, who knew?